This is not a glib and happy post.
I'm sorry. I'll put some a cat at the end or something.
Two years ago I first qualified as a level 3 PT. I was sure I was going to be able to work as a completely freelance fitness instructor eventually, but when I was offered a part-time job in a small gym, it seemed like a sensible stop-gap.
I expected to be there 6 months tops. The hourly pay is terrible. I get no financial support from them for my fitness qualifications, and get paid barely anything for the classes I teach. We've had our hours trimmed back and our pay cheque hacked to the point where it's barely worth my petrol money to come in anymore.
And yet, I am still working there.
The management are a joke. I've had sick days taken out of my holiday allowance without being asked. I've had my personality raked over the coals at a staff review, in front of other members of staff. The day before Christmas Eve I had my pay cheque temporarily withheld because I missed a staff meeting. Last year I was expected to teach a trademarked class that I do not have a qualification in and have no experience of teaching, purely to get more members into the gym. Needless to say, this is pretty dangerous and both myself and the gym could be in a lot of trouble if we got caught (I ended up contacting the fitness body in question for advice, and consequently refused to teach the class - I wasn't popular). I know there are other instructors who teach very advanced forms of rehabilitation exercise without a relevant qualification, with no thought to the long-term consequences. I've watched as my boss does devious and unethical things to keep members in contract. When I've spoken up about it, I've had my concerns dismissed.
Frustrated is not the word. I've spent the last two years getting on with it but it has got to the point where I feel sick every morning I have to go in, and most weeks I have at least one shift where I go home in tears. I feel beaten by it. I'm not sure I have anything left to give.
My freelance work is tootling along, but not bringing in a lot of money, and the market is still pretty dismal. I'm building up my portfolio of content work and have been doing bits and bobs of freelance copywriting, but it's not enough to make up the shortfall yet either. I'm hoping it will be eventually, but I have no idea how long that will take. Another six months? A year? I'm not sure.
I'm not sure either why I've written about this today. I feel angry that I've let it get this bad, angry that I've let it affect my life, frustrated that I could still be here in another year's time. I feel ashamed, too, that I've chased a dream and failed. That there are so many people who have been made redundant, taken a career change, and made it work. But I'm not one of them.
I just needed to say it, I think. I feel better now.
Thankyou for listening.
Here is a kitten in a teacup:
Sucks big time! I know the feeling, but if you're not really getting the financial benefit from working there it's really not worth the misery. I know the feeling of failure too, I think it's born of the misery though. Sorry, I'm just rambling and not saying anything of merit so I'll shut up now. X
ReplyDeleteRubbish that you're in the same boat, Amy. Did you get any closer to a decision? I hope the failure feeling is just down to being fed up. Annoying to fail generally, but even worse when you've worked your nuts off for it! Hoping we both get a break soon...
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I simply can't afford to quit or I'd have done it but I'm throwing everything I have into trying to find something else and currently feeling OK about that (although last week I was in full on chest pain and anxiety mode). We'll both get there!
DeleteI was in a very similar situation this time last year. So many things you mention resonate with my experience: shit pay, hours cut back to the point it wasn't really worth the petrol money, horrible management, having to do things I had no training or experience in, sick feeling every day before work, tears after. I was fucking miserable, horrible to my girlfriend and ended up on strong antidepressants to help me cope. This post really spoke to me and made my heart go out to you.
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend kept telling me to just quit, but I was stubborn and proud and insecure and felt like I had a duty to the kids I was working with (it was an education job). I also felt I should have something lined up to go to next rather than leaving into unemployment. In the end I gutted it out until the end of the academic year, handed in my notice and left in June.
Only you can decide if it's worth staying, or if you can afford to leave. But if I were you I'd seriously consider fucking this horrible job off for your own sanity. It took me a long time to do the same, and I was lucky in that my girlfriend's job allowed us to manage. I had nothing lined up and drifted for a long time. But quitting that job was the best decision I have ever made. I am so much happier.
I hope you come through this one way or another.
This is ringing an awful lot of bells! Sam has been encouraging me to leave, but he has just been made redundant and although he's managed to get another job, he's had to take a pay-cut... not ideal when we're already barely managing month to month and there's a chance we could lose our lodger soon... too many factors saying no at the moment. But you're quite right, what price sanity?
DeleteI work with a lot of vulnerable people too, and also feel enormous responsibility for them. So I hear you about the guilt on top everything else! What made you take the jump in the end, anything particular or just combination of everything?
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The company was going downhill and the centre where I worked was going to close down soon anyway due to aforementioned bad management. I was offered a job at another place, but decided not to take it. I did my best to get the kids I was working with through their qualifications up to the end of the school year and decided that if I didn't leave then, I would end up staying another year. Not something I felt I could face.
DeleteGiven different circumstances, I might still be with the company, looking for another job to move into rather than just cutting loose. By the end I would have taken almost any job to get out.
I really hope you can manage to keep going. Let all that discontent fire you up to look for another job. Grit your teeth, do the work, take the paycheck and when something comes along go for it 100%.
xxx
I don't think I have anything to say to make you feel better, but I might be able to make you feel less alone. I quit my job in science publishing nearly 2 years ago. I left to pursue a career in science communication, and because the job was slowly breaking me into fractured pieces of stressed out neurotic lunacy. Nearly 2 years on, I have failed to make a go of the career I was aiming for, and in fact it turns out not to be what I wanted it to be. Last year I started doing a research masters, to pursue a career in academia. That's going okay, but it turns out academia isn't the career for me either.
ReplyDeleteThe upshot is, I know that feeling of failure because you're not making a go of your dreams, despite busting a gut. The feeling that you took a leap, and landed flat on your face, hating yourself. Or the feeling that, in my case, you don't know what your dreams are, and you keep fixating on things because you feel you SHOULD have a dream, and then it turns out your dream wasn't really what you wanted, and you feel like an even bigger failure, because you don't even HAVE a dream to fail at anymore.
Anyway, you're not alone. Hang in there. Not everyone has a fairytale career where taking a leap pays off and makes you stunningly happy (my leap was a good choice, but it didn't solve all my problems). If you keep working, you will get to where you want to be. Or that's what they keep telling me.
K x
Thanks for your comment Katie. It's funny how many people actually feel this way when you scratch the surface! We're all ducks paddling away like crazy under the water. I think we're sold this idea that you can make anything work if you sweat hard enough(I've lost count of the number of women's magazine articles on young entrepeneurs I've read) but in this economic climate it's not always realistic.
DeleteWhat IS true is that if you keep an open mind, you'll eventually find what works for you. I know now that writing is what works for me, much as I enjoy teaching exercise I think it's only ever going to be a small part of what I do.
Learning curves....always so much better in hindsight, not so great when you're busting your balls with no idea how or when you'll actually be happy!
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Don't get me started on that 'I just followed my dream' modern fairytale bullshit! It's about as realistic as the photo editorials are a representation of my average daily look.
DeleteExactly. It's not that I don't think you should work and strive for what you want in life, and ultimately I think most people if they're prepared to work hard will get somewhere that will work for them. But the idea that all you need is a dream and a shit-tonne of hard work just isn't realistic.
DeletePersonally my problem appears to have been that I didn't think things were worth doing if I found they came naturally to me. I know, there's a whole world of peverse reasoning in there. Lately G has managed to to persuade me to stop closing my mind to things just because they aren't what I expected myself to be good at.
I really hope you find your way out of this, you are such a wonderful writer, and I suspect a highly inspirational fitness professional to boot!
K x
Quit quit quit quit quit.
ReplyDeleteQuit.
Quit and I'm certain opportunities will be there - they won't magically appear, but because you won't be demoralised beyond belief you'll see them and create them everywhere.
I didn't mention it the other day actually, but when my old job was making me feel like utter crap every day, I remember thinking how unfair it would be on W to quit, because of the pressure it would put on him. I never thought I would be able to earn a living freelance. But it was the right decision, and with his encouragement "quit!" I was able to make it.
Quit!
And then please win the lottery so we can fill a building with books and cakes x
I'm sure we could manage for a few months, but already being well-acquainted with unemployment the thought of it makes me feel a bit sick! I'm lucky Sam's being so supportive - I wouldn't be contemplating leaving if I didn't have his support. If he gets his payout, then we'll reassess. It's not much, but it could last the few months I need to get my head on straight and get the freelance writing properly under way.
DeleteBooks and cakes! Is there anything finer in life?
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Aw, Penny. This sucks. I have no comfort or words of wisdom, so I'm sending hugs and kittens instead.
ReplyDeleteThanks kirsty. Hugs and kittens definitely appreciated!
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I read your blog every day- your wit, wisdom and kick ass photos makes my day that bit brigher! I am so sorry you are struggling with such difficult decisions. It is so unbelieveably sucky that external factors have conspired against you.
ReplyDeleteI would agree with other posters that you have to weigh up financial uncertainty against the surefire certainty that your current job makes you miserable and dread Every. Single. Day. There.
You are clearly a smart, talented lady with drive, guts and a supportive husband. That has to count for something and the good will out! xx
Thanks for your comment Heather! I feel positively pepped up, it's so great to hear from somebody who reads!
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