Things I Have Learned On Maternity Leave.

CPD's got nothing on this...

• How to dress a baby in a nappy and three layers of clothing as it crawls away as fast as possible, whilst ensuring a xylophone beater stays in its left hand at all times
• Household flotsam that previously had no discernible use (lid-less Tupperware, boxes of ping-pong balls) will hold a baby’s interest longer than the entire stock of the Early Learning Centre. Rule: if it has no small parts and makes a noise when struck, don’t t throw it out
• TMI warning: If, pre-baby, you have ever had negative thoughts about the snotty offspring of others, this basically acts as a curse ensuring your children will always have an impossibly large glistening string of snot swinging from their nostril. This will be a permanent facial fixture until their 30^th birthday.
• Extreme TMI warning: If this snot forms a crust upon your child’s nostril, do not, I REPEAT DO NOT attempt to remove it. It is there for a reason. To hold back the tsunami.
• Never leave the house with a baby and fewer than three correct sized nappies for that baby. Never.
• Re. the above, apparently even the cutest baby has the capacity to poo so hard it ends up shooting down trousers and into socks without even grazing the legs...
• ...so it might be worth putting a change of clothes for yourself in that change bag.
• Anybody wishing to purchase a singing/talking/shrieking plastic toy for somebody else’s offspring should be forced to sit in a locked room with it playing on repeat for 48 hours before purchase is permitted.
• People tell you maternity leave is all sitting in coffee shops eating cake. This is because coffee shops now function as drug clinics where you can get a supervised hit of the caffeine and sugar you are now hopelessly addicted to, with a bit of counselling on the side.
• Also, nobody ever warns you that somewhere between 6 and 12 months your child will become mobile, these coffee dates will stop dramatically, and you will be forcibly catapulted into the seventh circle of hell: SOFT PLAY.
• You will want to call whoever brought you up and tell them you’re sorry on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.
• But for some preposterous reason, once you’ve been immersed in this crazy, puke-splattered, saggy eyed, puree-smeared world, you may never want to leave. And even if you do, things will certainly never be the same again...